Great Days

Hey peeps! lol! Well the last couple days have been nothing short of amazing! Which is why I haven't written in a while. I feel like I finally have most of my life in order and it's really paying off because I don't think I've been this happy for a long time. I no longer have anyone controlling my life and I feel free for the first time. I'm pretty excited because my birthday is coming up next weekend and I'll be spending it with awesome friends who I love sooo much! And as a birthday gift from me and my mom I'm getting another tattoo and I'm stoked! It's going to go up my side and will be a heart, moon, star, and clover all inertwined like those rings that magicians use lol. It looks cool but kinda hard to explain. I'm still jobless which sucks but I'm working on it but I'm finally accepting that alot of things that I had in the past are over and all I have left to do is not look back anymore and move forward with my life. I can't be constantly looking at my past because it only seems to depress me and that's not good for me at all. I'm ready to move on and see what life has to offer! This next poem is older sadly but I like it so oh well. It's called Simple Love

Simple Love

You're all that I want

But you can't seem to see

That every little thing you do

Completes me

When we're lying on my bed

Holding eachother close

I feel endless bliss

Something like love at the most

And when I'm kissing your sweet lips

I find myself so lost

In what you do to me

And I pay no extra cost

For what you do to me

I fill up with what you'd call

Simple Love

You catch me when I fall

When we're standing on a hilltop

Catching the cool autumn breeze

You hold me so close

You bring me to my knees

Everynight that we spend together

Just makes me believe it more

That this is so special

Not some fairy tale

And when I'm lying in my bed

Just staring up above

I see your face right there

I think I've fallen in love

Revelations

Hey Everyone! So these last couple days have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride for me and some people around me. I've been trying to keep myself as poised as possible with a few break downs but I am only human. And through one of my breakdowns I found relief in a Bible Stories book that I've had since I was little and I really took the meaning of it to heart and realized alot about what was going on. I learned that in order to save a person you love you have to sacrifice your own happiness so they won't get hurt. And sometimes that means walking away no matter how hard or how much it hurts. Now I really wish that I was as strong as the girl is in the story but she also gets what she wants in the end and I was hoping that my attempt to walk away would have changed something. But maybe I'm just too selfish to walk away for good even though I have never considered myself selfish by any means. But I do tend to over think and take things too personally but it's only because the people that I care about most are the only ones that could ever hurt me. When it comes to others I can just brush it off and move on with my life but I have too much respect for the people in my life to just brush off what they think or what they advice me to do or at least try. Sometimes it won't work and sometimes I really won't think that it is a solution to the problem so I won't take it but if I think that it will really help then I am all ears to all of them. All I want is for everyone in my family and friends to be happy and the best they can be. And I know that's all they want from me and I really hope I can be as great as everyone wants me to be. This next poem was just written like 5 minutes ago and it's about giving myself to the Higher Purpose because through everything He is the one that will truly know what to do. It's entitled: Truly Yours

Truly Yours

I'm on my knees

Praying for the answers

To the confusion in my heart

I'm tired of going around in circles

So I'm giving myself to you

In hope that you will know what is best

I'll follow your word

And keep you closest to my heart

You are all that I need

When I'm walking through this world

With my head held high

Smiling for the first time in a while

I finally feel complete

I'll follow your light no matter where it leads

Or who it takes me away from

Because you are the almighty

I'll see you in every person that I am around

Helping them find their way

I finally know my purpose

To be your follower

And help others who are blind to the light

I'll await the day

To arrive at your gates

And see the world from your perspective

Until then I promise to always look to you

And follow the path that you have laid out for me

While ignoring the temptations set in front of me

That could change all that I have worked for

I am now truly yours forever and always

These Days

Hey people! So I've been getting some complaints from some friends about my slacking and so I'm going to really try to get back to posting everyday but I'm not promising anything. I've been pretty busy with some things. Things here are actually going really well for me. I've been really focusing on me alot and getting past all the things that happened in the past and as much as they hurt it has made me a stronger person. I am actually able to be friends with my ex without feeling the pain that I did before. And I've been surrounding myself with good friends who understand what I'm going through and is there to help me. I love them to death! They are truly amazing. I just hope that I keep making progress in finding myself and learning more about the others around me. And I've also met some really cool people along the way. So I would say that my life is going really great right now. And as far as writing goes. I've been trying to branch out and try some different things. I actually attempted to write a song that I will post right now. I'm not really sure about using it as a song but it's something lol. And not too bad for my first attempt. But the problem is that it doesn't have a chorus partially because I couldn't think of one but I still like it. And really songs don't have to have a chorus or at least that's what I keep telling myself. So here it goes. It's entitled "Living in a Dream"

Living In A Dream

Looking at the sky

The stars in my eyes

Thinking 'bout the world

And all the things I want to see

I have to get out of here

Experience something new

I'm so tired of the same old same old

So if I asked you to

Would you run with me

Til the end of the world

And then around again

We'd hop in the car

And never look back

Spend our time talking

And watching the scenery go by

Driving through all the towns

Seeing all we can see

The road will be long

The destination just a blur

But none of it matters

As long as your next to me

Walking along the beach

Sleeping beneath the stars

Everything perfect for a little while

But sadly the dream soon ends

And I wake up alone

Wishing that it was reality

Maybe one day

It'll come true

But until then I'll be living in that world

Only when I sleep

Til the day comes

I can run from it all

And see all the things

This world has to offer

So it's sweet dreams for now

And one day it'll be the greatest reality

One could ever experience

A New Beginning

Wow I'm doing pretty bad at keeping up with this thing and I apologize. I've been trying to work on getting my life back in order so that has been preventing me from writing. And through all of it I've realized alot of things about myself and about what I want out of my life. In the last month I've had to let go of the one guy that I have ever really truly loved and to tell you the truth I didn't think I could do it. And from the people that know me personally you know that I almost didn't make it. But as time has past I've realized that everyday I am getting better and stronger. Yeah I still miss him like crazy and wish that he was here with me now but I also know that I don't need him. I know that me and him had alot of problems and I was kinda hoping that we could work through them together but it didn't happen that way. Letting go of him was the hardest thing that I have ever done but it has proved to make me a better person in the process. And the problems that we had weren't because of our relationship it was because of the problems that we had by ourselves. And those problems prevented us from letting one another love eachother. And while we are not talking I still have every hope that he is continuing to better himself as I am and that when he thinks of me it's all the good things that we have been through instead of all the bad. All I want from him now is that he is happy and doing what he loves to do and that he excels at it no matter what happens. He is truly an amazing guy and very talented at what he does and he will continue to help people and make lives better with just being there for others. And I've also been trying to fix some relationships with my family because I have hurt some of the people that are always there for me and it hurts to see them in this kind of pain. All I can do now is promise them that nothing like what happened will ever happen again and hope that they believe me. And also I've been reconnecting with some of my old friends and making new ones along the way. This has truly been an experience that has been life changing for me and I hope that I learn alot more about myself. And also keep the people most important to me close and always know that they are there for me and I hope that they know that I will always be there for them. This next poem is one that I wrote about a month ago and it was an apology to an old love and is still that but not quite in the same way. It's entitled A Love That Wasn't Suppose To Exist.


A Love That Wasn't Suppose To Exist


Looking through all the pictures
Of a girl who used to exist
One that was perfect in the eyes of some
Happy and free
Alive and in love
And actually loved in return
What happened to her
Does she still exist
And can she come alive once more
She worked for something that wasn't right
Something that would never fit
Without realizing
That she had everything that one could ever hope for
Even though she couldn't see it
Everything was right in front of her
The love of an amazing guy
Friends that could be counted on for anything
But she threw some of it away
And for what
A lifeless being
A bruised heart and deception
She misses what she used to have
And wishes that she could make up for all the mistakes
All the pointless fights that she caused
He never did anything wrong
But she couldn't see the good through the fear
He was everything to her
Her first true love
And she threw it away because she didn't listen to her heart
She listened to others around her
And was easily influenced
Into thinking that one couldn't find that kind of love
It wasn't suppose to exist
That there had to be flaws
Because fairy tales don't come true
And no one finds their prince charming
But he was the closest thing she has ever known
And probably the closest she'll ever get
He made her believe that there is such a thing as happy endings
And she wants a second chance to have hers
Another chance to actually live again
Without having to change for anyone
She can never express how sorry she is
And doesn't know if she can ever fix her mistakes
But she's willing to try anything
Just to have the one good thing she had
Back in her life
You know who you are
If you read this then look at it very carefully
And know that she means every word
Try to remember the good instead of the bad
Those are the memories worth keeping
Because those are the ones that were not influenced by anyone
They came from our 2 hearts acting as one
And nothing else
The bad memories were nothing but fear
And stupidity
I'm sorry with every inch of my being
The girl you once loved is still here
Just older, wiser, and stronger
I would never make the same mistakes again
Just remember....

Realizations

Hey everyone! Sorry it's taken me so long to post something but some things came up that prevented me from posting. But during this time I have realized alot about me and the people around me. I use to think that life was all about the people you know, the money you have, and the guys/girls that you date and those are the things that make you the person that you are. But that's not true at all. YOU are the person that makes you who you want to be. If you let someone else control your life then it wouldn't be your life anymore it would be someone else's. The people around you are there to simply live with and around they aren't what makes you you. Because if you lost someone like a boyfriend or a best friend your life can still go on and you can find someone else that'll be there for you even more. You can't lean on the people around you but instead walk with them and more importantly be yourself! That's the only way to be truly happy. And if you find yourself lost and confused don't just look for help from others but look for help from God and yourself. That way you know it's the path that you're suppose to be on. And remember everything happens for a reason and nothing is worth giving up completely because nothing is as bad as it seems. You might feel like there is nothing out there for you but that's not true there are alot of amazing people out there that you don't even know yet. Put yourself out in the world and you'll meet the people that will love you and care for you the way that you deserve. No one will ever fully understand you unless someone is a mind reader so it is your job to show them who you are and don't expect them to just know because that'll just turn into something that you weren't looking for. And remember that no one is ever really alone God is always there for you if you let him and he knows what is best for you. Take what I'm saying to heart and remember to listen to your heart it'll guide you in the right direction.

Standing Tall

Looking through all the memories

Both good and bad

Things have changed alot since then

And I am not the same person

I was insecure and scared

Ready to let someone else control my life

But not anymore

I am ready to stand on my own

Only leaning on the one thing that will never leave

And that is my faith in God

I cannot undo all the hurt that I've gone through

Nor do I think I would

Because sometimes you have to hurt in order to be happy

Love and pain go hand in hand

But the pain makes the love that much better

Don't live for someone else

Live for only yourself and God

And when you find that special someone

Make sure they are with you because of who you are

And not who they think you are

Most of all never let anyone change you

Hard Day

Today was defiently a long day and it's only 7. I made a trip to Maryville, Mo to drop some things off to my ex and this was the first time I've seen him since the break up and it was really hard. Alot of things came up and has me thinking about everything. Me and him are working on ourselves this semester in order to become better people in the future. And it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done and it's only been a week since we reached this agreement that we have that I won't publicize. And seeing him today just brought back all the good and the bad things that had happened between us and I can't help but miss him more now. I'm trying so hard to be optimisstic but I feel like I'm fading and I'm not sure what to do. Here lately I've become really close with God and that has made me feel a little better but the path I am seeing is not one I can take right now because of what has happened. I want so bad to be as strong as he is right now. So confident in all of this but I can't help but long for something that is out of reach. So on the drive home this new poem was thought up and later written at my home. It's really a hard one for me to post because of the content but I feel like I need to in order to start feeling better. This one is called Fragile Heart.


Fragile Heart

Life slipping from my body
From the many wounds on my heart
All the tears cried from these eyes
For a love so far away
I don't know how much longer I can do this
My fragile heart is faltering
And slowly I am falling
Into the darkness
There was a time when I felt complete
But those days are just a memory
Too many pieces of my heart are missing
Stolen from my very being
Now I lay crumpled on the floor
Trying to hang on
I can't do this alone
i've tried for so long
I know God keeps me safe
But the lights are fading
Because I know where I should be
But I can't get there
So I just stare out into the world
Wishing to be whole again
I don't want to hurt anymore
But I don't know what to do
You can't see what I see when I look at you
And that's the worst
So until we can reach a solution
I'm afraid I won't feel complete
And my heart will slowly continue to give up
The clock is ticking

Resolutions

Well it's finally 2009 and I hope that everyone had a great New Years. Mine was great I spent it with good friends. So I hope everyone has all their resolutions made I know I do. And it's not one of those like lose weight and anything that would involve changing my physical appearance. Because looks fade so when you're making yours make ones that will help you be a better person. Mine are completely quit smoking, no drinking, drugs, or sex, finish my novel, work on my relationship with my family, and get the trust back that I lost. I can't wait to see how this year turns out. I had alot of great times in 2008 and I'm hoping to get alot out of 2009. And looking back I can see that I have lost a couple of the most important people in my life because of careless mistakes. One of them is still there but we're not talking except in our own way. And the other I'm afraid is gone and I don't know if it's permanent or not I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. In celebration of the New Year I am downloading Stateparks new cd because all of the songs on there are completely brillant so you guys should check it out. It's at www.myspace.com/statepark and it's completely free. And also I have written a new poem about a conversation that I had with my ex before christmas. I have been trying to write this poem since and nothing was working but I finally finished it tonight. But I don't have a title for it yet so I was hoping to get you guys involved by giving me ideas about what to call it. I would really appreciate your input. So here it goes.

Untitled

Sleepless nights piling up

Thinking of our last conversation

And everything I did wrong

The fights I could have prevented

The hurtful words that shouldn't have been said

The night that made you suffer

And all the months I didn't tell you

I want to go back

To prevent it all from happening

But I can't and it hurts

Knowing that it should have been different

But I failed

And now I am left alone

Suffering for everything

Crying for what I lost

A love that would have been great

Different from any other

For a time I was only focusing on the bad

Without looking at the good

That is until now

All I want is to be in your arms

To be the great couple

That I saw in my dreams

But I know we can't right now

I know you're hurting

And that is my fault

So for now I'll let you heal

And continue to work on me

I love you now

And I'll love you then

I'll hear you on the airwaves

So know I'll always be there

Til the end

Whenever that is