Today was defiently a long day and it's only 7. I made a trip to Maryville, Mo to drop some things off to my ex and this was the first time I've seen him since the break up and it was really hard. Alot of things came up and has me thinking about everything. Me and him are working on ourselves this semester in order to become better people in the future. And it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done and it's only been a week since we reached this agreement that we have that I won't publicize. And seeing him today just brought back all the good and the bad things that had happened between us and I can't help but miss him more now. I'm trying so hard to be optimisstic but I feel like I'm fading and I'm not sure what to do. Here lately I've become really close with God and that has made me feel a little better but the path I am seeing is not one I can take right now because of what has happened. I want so bad to be as strong as he is right now. So confident in all of this but I can't help but long for something that is out of reach. So on the drive home this new poem was thought up and later written at my home. It's really a hard one for me to post because of the content but I feel like I need to in order to start feeling better. This one is called Fragile Heart.
Fragile Heart
Life slipping from my body
From the many wounds on my heart
All the tears cried from these eyes
For a love so far away
I don't know how much longer I can do this
My fragile heart is faltering
And slowly I am falling
Into the darkness
There was a time when I felt complete
But those days are just a memory
Too many pieces of my heart are missing
Stolen from my very being
Now I lay crumpled on the floor
Trying to hang on
I can't do this alone
i've tried for so long
I know God keeps me safe
But the lights are fading
Because I know where I should be
But I can't get there
So I just stare out into the world
Wishing to be whole again
I don't want to hurt anymore
But I don't know what to do
You can't see what I see when I look at you
And that's the worst
So until we can reach a solution
I'm afraid I won't feel complete
And my heart will slowly continue to give up
The clock is ticking
Fragile Heart
Life slipping from my body
From the many wounds on my heart
All the tears cried from these eyes
For a love so far away
I don't know how much longer I can do this
My fragile heart is faltering
And slowly I am falling
Into the darkness
There was a time when I felt complete
But those days are just a memory
Too many pieces of my heart are missing
Stolen from my very being
Now I lay crumpled on the floor
Trying to hang on
I can't do this alone
i've tried for so long
I know God keeps me safe
But the lights are fading
Because I know where I should be
But I can't get there
So I just stare out into the world
Wishing to be whole again
I don't want to hurt anymore
But I don't know what to do
You can't see what I see when I look at you
And that's the worst
So until we can reach a solution
I'm afraid I won't feel complete
And my heart will slowly continue to give up
The clock is ticking
1 comments:
I will be writing something soon about a similar story of mine, but I'll explain it first to you and in two different situations I've faced and lost both, since this seems to be a major problem for you. (I like making myself sound old and wise)
The first woman I loved, I dated for four years steadily, the last two years of HS and the first two of college. The distance between us was too great, her parents disliked me, my parents disliked me, but I held on for dear life. Not for our mutual benefit, but because I was without other options, I was being selfish. So one day I thought that, and I left, never to see her until she had a ring on her finger that was not mine. Sometimes, losing the one's we love is best for them, though maybe not for us. I find that hard to accept, but I do accept it as a sacrifice for her happiness, which I felt was more fragile than mine. She got married this past month, to a guy who I'm pretty sure is an asshole, but it's what she wanted and that is more than I could offer for a while. The remarkable thing about this pain and loss I felt is that it was the most selfless thing I've ever done. The pain just made me feel better, as opposed to the numbness of holding onto something I no longer owned.
The second deals more with timing than actual loss. There's a part in City Slickers where Curly discusses a girl he loved. He saw the girl one day, thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever saw, thought about being with her, than turned and rode away. (Sorry for assuming a lack of City Slickers lore) Last year, about this time I saw a girl who I had this sort of relationship with for the last time. She was perfect, in every way I could imagine, and our conversations were amazing and I'll always remember her smile. However, I was a mess: I was probably an alcoholic, missed bills, skipped class, and lived in a hellhole of an apartment. The man I was then wasn't good enough for her, and I preferred to keep our relationship as perfect as I remember it now. I regret that sometimes, but I dedicated myself to getting to a point where I wouldn't feel the need to spare people of my company. So now, I'm just an alcoholic.
From the way it sounds, you have combined the situation of me and my first love: where the family isn't particularly helpful but you have mutually split apart to grow a little. As for family (another assumption), as much as they seem like assholes now, they just want the best for you, though sometimes they may be misguided. Sometimes change can be for the better, though you may not think it at the time. (End Old Guy Storytime)
Hope this helps, but it might not. I like the passion in the writing, but happiness can be an equally strong emotion. As for my resolutions, I resolve to spend as much time writing my own as I do commenting on others.
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