Looking Back at 2008

As 2008 is slowly coming to an end I can't help but look back over the last year and see all the good and bad things that have happened. I made some amazing friends, lost some that weren't that great, and reunited with friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. I've been in love with an amazing guy only to make careless mistakes which made him leave. I've grown closer to my family but only because of a bad situation that I put myself in. In every good thing that has happened was inevitably followed by something bad. I've been in and out of the hospital more times this year then the rest of my life combined. And I've made more mistakes then I can even count. I hurt many and was hurt by some. But without mistakes how will anyone ever learn. I learned alot about myself this year and I've made a real breakthrough with my writing. I can only hope that 2009 will be better for me in hopes that I learned some valuable lessons through all of my mistakes. I'll always cherish the special moments that occured in 2008 like watching Statepark perform for the first time, all the times in Kansas City, my friends that were always there for me through all the hard times, and all the good times spent with my now ex. So everyone have a Happy New Year and may 2009 be good to all. This next poem is one I wrote over the summer. It's about my ex the one that I dated in highschool. It's about letting go and moving on and that's what New Years is about letting go of the bad but not forgetting the good. Those are the memories worth keeping. This one is entitled Temporary Goodbye and please bear with me because this one is pretty long but I couldnt' stop writing after I began. Be Safe And Smart On New Years Eve!

Temporary GoodBye

What happened to the star crossed lovers I once knew?

The ones that could conquer any obstacle

Why did we finally fall in defeat?

I thought we would have fought for our love forever

But it didn't happen that way

We let our faults get the best of us

And in time our love faded and the fights grew

The fire that had once burned so fierce in our eyes

Soon died out

Then before we knew it, it was over

Don't think for a second

That I've forgotten you

Even though I've tried

But all of the memories of us

Keep filling my head

Our first date

The frist kiss

The first night together

We had so many plans

And now when I think back to the beginning

Everything felt too perfect

We were young and in love

But that was never enough

You wanted more

Maybe we're better off

But I can't help but miss you

And everything we once were

As it turns out we weren't so perfect

We wanted different things

I needed my freedom

And you wanted to settle

I wasn't ready for that

Or so I thought

But I can't help but think about it now when I'm lying in his arms

Why wasn't it that way with us

I was always looking for a way out

What made our love so different?

He at least attempts to see the real me

Something you never tried to do

You pushed and shoved for something that was never there

I never tried to be perfect

But that's what you wanted

A mindless doll that you could manipulate

And I didn't give inI fought for my spirit

And with that you burnt all of the bridge

sThat at one point had connected our 2 hearts

I've moved on

And I suggest you do the same

You'll always be in my heart

But never again in my arms

I'll never regret anything

And I know you won't either

Today we're different people

A little older and a little wiser

And soon our love will just be a memory

Many people will come in and out of our lives

But we'll still be there somewhere

Because love doesn't die it just changes

So I won't say goodbye

That's too permanent

I'll just say see you later And leave it at that for now

Goodbye To The Old

You know ever since I was 15 I was always thought that I needed a guy to make me happy. Mostly because of my mom and what happened to her after her divorce. But then I realized that the divorce didn't make her the way she is but it was the way that she was treated during her marriage that turned her against guys and that's why she's content with her lifestyle. I never understood it because I never saw how anyone could live like that so I wanted so bad to be different. So since the age of 15 I have made my fair share of mistakes through my dating choices just so I wouldn't be alone. And from those mistakes I was hurt by alot of people that I thought had actually cared about me. I've been cheated on, yes I've cheated, I've been put down verbally, and many other things. But I never learned until now. I went through hell with some of the guys that I have been with and yes I have put some guys through hell but only because I was trying to protect myself. I've fallen in love a couple times only to end up the victim in the end. I tried so hard to make them happy without making myself happy. And in some of the relationships I let the guy control my life and did whatever he wanted no matter how much I didn't want to do it. But you know what I'm not going to do that anymore. I am better then what some of the guys treated me like. I have alot of things going for me even if it doesn't look that way sometimes. I get off track like most people do but I still know what I want and what I have to do. I know where I'll end up and that I will be happy with that and if there is a guy out there that will accept that then he will get the chance to go there and be there with me. But now I am cutting the strings to the person that thought she needed guys to be happy because that's not the case at all. I make myself happy by doing what I want to do when I want to do it. So people can either accept it or don't that's their choice. But I won't bother with the guys that put me through a living hell anymore because I am so much better then that. So this next poem is a new one that I just wrote like an hour ago called The Puppet and Her Master. And I hope you all see that I am serious about all of this. I'm done with the games and I am not the same girl I was even a month ago. I am stronger and smarter and if that bothers you then go ahead and try to tell me.

The Puppet and Her Master

Is it time to cut the strings

That loosely holds us together

Nothing ever seems to change

When it comes to you and me

Does it really have to be this way

You are my puppet master

Controlling my every move

And the way you manipulate my emotions

It's just not fair

I'm breaking free of the strings

I'm ready to live again

But how would you react

You wouldn't have control of me

I wouldn't be your little puppet

You've caused me so much pain

And I spent too many nights crying over you

You could never make up your mind

My heart constantly played with

I will not let you do that anymore

The strings have finally been cut

So be ready for the outcome

Because I'm taking back my freedom

So accept or don't

It's your choice

Mine has already been made

So it's your turn

Needing Something

Ok I have a question. Isn't a family suppose to be there for you no matter what you did or what happened? Well mine really isn't. They can pretend that I didn't pull the stunt I did a month ago and just push it off. But what they don't realize is that I need them now more then ever because of how I've been feeling lately. There has been alot of things that have occured not just because of a month ago but also from some stupid things that I did back in the summer. And now I feel so lost and I don't know where I belong. I left Northwest because I wasn't feeling at home there but now that I am back here I don't feel like I belong here either. I feel so empty and inadequate. I just want to be happy and I don't know where to do that at. I had a home that I thought was stable but it didn't stay. It was the first place that I thought I had actually belonged and now I don't know what to think.....So this next poem is one that I wrote a month ago after the incident. I'm sure you guys will be able to guess what happened and know that this poem is not the happiest but it was what I was feeling at the time before the incident. I hope you guys can learn something from my mistake and know that not everything is as bad as you think it is. This one is entitled Hourglass for now I'm trying to think of a new title.

Hourglass

The sands of time are slowly slipping through the hourglass

Counting down to our final breath

But what if it's too much time for you to bear

Each day is passing and no one can see the pain behind your eyes

You wear a mask to disguise the hurt and suffering

You question why you're here and if anyone really cares

Maybe they're better off

In a world where you are not

You empty the medication bottles

Looking for relief

Something to feel besides the pain

But what you feel is not what you had expected

Your body turns numb from what you had just done

Your breathing becomes heavy and your head starts to pound

You regret the decision after a while

But you don't move from where you are

You try to think of reasons to fight back

To change what you have just done

But none are coming

You lie there and think of all the reasons to have done this to yourself

To your friends and family

But the reasons don't make sense anymore

You close your eyes thinking that this is it

That nothing could reverse what was happening

But the end doesn't come

Just the answers you were looking for

You worked so hard to please everyone

Without really ever helping yourself

You over-reacted and worried over nothing

You led yourself down this path of destruction

No one else is to blame

You could have stopped it before it began

If you just would have fought for yourself

Instead of apologizing for things that weren't your fault

You get a second chance to run your own life

So move forward and don't look back

Look toward your future

Don't hesitate anymore

Be the person you want to be

No one can hold you back

And more importantly don't let the others suffer for something so selfish

The sand in your hourglass has not yet ran out

Love and Heartbreak

So over the last 3 years I've been in love with 2 of the most amazing guys I have ever known. The first guy i met the summer before my junior year of highschool and I thought that he was the one for me. He was everything one could ever hope for he was funny, smart, sweet, and so much more. But like most couples we ran into some problems and he ended it after about 2 years and it was heartbreaking. And I think that if things would have been different then we could have been the couple that both of us had wanted but I couldn't commit to him in the way that I would have wanted to. I got scared and started alot of stupid fights and those eventually pushed him away. Now me and him are still friends but there was a point that I had thought that I had wanted what we had before but I don't think I could ever destroy the friendship that me and him have now. He has helped me alot over the last year through some things and I couldn't want anything more. He'll always have a special part of my heart but I know that all we'll ever be is friends.

The next guy I met and fell in love with was in my freshman year of college and he was so adorable. Something about him instantly attracted me to him. He was just so cute, and dorky, smart, and he put me back in touch with a part of me that I had forgotten about. He pushed me to do things that I would have never dreamed of. I mean I actually sang on his cd that he made and is going to start selling soon and he's part of the reason that I had started this website and is putting my poetry out there. But after my first heartbreak I found that I was shutting myself down when I found I was getting to close to him and this inevitably destroyed the relationship that we had. We had some issues that we could never really get over and we broke up more times then i could count. But we always seemed to work things out in the end and ended up back together. But then came some problems that we both can't seem to get over at this point in time from mistakes that me and him both made. And now we aren't even talking. I miss him more then I have missed anyone ever before. Even through all of our fights and hard times. For the first time I actually saw myself going somewhere with him. I'm not really sure what to do at this point except keep the promises that I made to him. I've never felt this way about a guy before and it hurts to be so far away from him. And it hurts not knowing if I'm the only one feeling this way or if he's missing me too. I just kinda wish that I knew.

So this next poem is dedicated to both of these amazing guys. One who is my dear friend that I will always have in my heart. And the other who is the one guy that has ever held all of my heart and still has it. But I'm not going to lie it's more for the second one because this one was his favorite.

Eternally Yours

You make me laugh

You make me smile

You make me feel alive

After all the things I’ve been through

The things that were done to me

I finally feel I can survive

You keep me strong

You keep me safe

You keep me together when I’m about the fall apart

I love you more than anything

I promise

Cross my heart

I’d do anything for you

Go anywhere with you

So let’s make this moment ours

I want you and need you

I hope you feel the same

For I am eternally yours

Racking my brain

Hey everyone! So I've been trying all day long to rack my brain and write a new poem but nothing is really coming to mind. I guess my heart really isn't in it today. There has been alot of things that have happened over the last few days and I just can't seem to think straight. As it turns out I'm missing someone who is out of reach to me right now and everything that I do write is kinda depressing and since it's the holidays I really don't feel like putting one of them up quite yet. But I did find one of my old poems from a couple years ago that was about one of my exs who is still a very dear friend to me and that's all I could ever ask from him. He's a great guy and will make some girl very happy. And this has always been one of my favorite poems and has always held a special place in my heart and in others as well. I really hope that this one doesn't get me in trouble with him and that it won't cause any pain to anyone. This one is entitled Your Eyes!

Your Eyes

The different blues in your eyes

They have me hypnotized

The way you smile at me

Makes me weak in the knees

The way you whisper in my ear

Makes me want you even more

The way you hold me

Lets me know that you’ll always be there

The way you tell me that you love me

Makes me believe that your words are true

In the end you’re all that matters

You’re the only one that cares

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I guess I should start this blog by telling everyone a little bit about me so here it goes.... First of all my name is Sara Lynn and I'm 19 years old. I live in Omaha, Nebraska and is about to start school at Metro. Before that I was a student at Northwest Missouri State University but ran into some issues with some things and came back home. For school I am a secondary education major with a specific in history. But my real passion has always been writing. I find writing to be the best way for me to express myself. I've been writing since I was about 15 or 16 and have written things from short books to poetry. My latest accomplishment was a 250 page novel that I finished writing but have yet to proof read it through so it's still a work in progress. The novel is about me and my life from when I was 16 to here recently and everything that has happened through that time. I mainly write about my experiences in my poetry like love and heartbreak but i also have some other ones about my experiences that have changed my life. I'll start this blog with a poem that I had written a little while back and it's always held a special place in my heart. It's about a guy that I know and care about alot and I hope you guys will enjoy it. This one is entitled: New Love

New Love

Sometimes love fades
Like day fades to night
But it’s amazing what you can find
When you look hard enough
Finding something new after losing something old
You feel like your heart is broken
Life as you know it is over
But really it’s just beginning
With every death comes rebirth
And with every heart break comes new love
But don’t search for love
Just live your life and love will find you
It’ll hit you hard
And there will be pain along the way
But it’ll be worth it when you look them in the eyes
And actually see and feel their love for you