A New Beginning

Wow I'm doing pretty bad at keeping up with this thing and I apologize. I've been trying to work on getting my life back in order so that has been preventing me from writing. And through all of it I've realized alot of things about myself and about what I want out of my life. In the last month I've had to let go of the one guy that I have ever really truly loved and to tell you the truth I didn't think I could do it. And from the people that know me personally you know that I almost didn't make it. But as time has past I've realized that everyday I am getting better and stronger. Yeah I still miss him like crazy and wish that he was here with me now but I also know that I don't need him. I know that me and him had alot of problems and I was kinda hoping that we could work through them together but it didn't happen that way. Letting go of him was the hardest thing that I have ever done but it has proved to make me a better person in the process. And the problems that we had weren't because of our relationship it was because of the problems that we had by ourselves. And those problems prevented us from letting one another love eachother. And while we are not talking I still have every hope that he is continuing to better himself as I am and that when he thinks of me it's all the good things that we have been through instead of all the bad. All I want from him now is that he is happy and doing what he loves to do and that he excels at it no matter what happens. He is truly an amazing guy and very talented at what he does and he will continue to help people and make lives better with just being there for others. And I've also been trying to fix some relationships with my family because I have hurt some of the people that are always there for me and it hurts to see them in this kind of pain. All I can do now is promise them that nothing like what happened will ever happen again and hope that they believe me. And also I've been reconnecting with some of my old friends and making new ones along the way. This has truly been an experience that has been life changing for me and I hope that I learn alot more about myself. And also keep the people most important to me close and always know that they are there for me and I hope that they know that I will always be there for them. This next poem is one that I wrote about a month ago and it was an apology to an old love and is still that but not quite in the same way. It's entitled A Love That Wasn't Suppose To Exist.


A Love That Wasn't Suppose To Exist


Looking through all the pictures
Of a girl who used to exist
One that was perfect in the eyes of some
Happy and free
Alive and in love
And actually loved in return
What happened to her
Does she still exist
And can she come alive once more
She worked for something that wasn't right
Something that would never fit
Without realizing
That she had everything that one could ever hope for
Even though she couldn't see it
Everything was right in front of her
The love of an amazing guy
Friends that could be counted on for anything
But she threw some of it away
And for what
A lifeless being
A bruised heart and deception
She misses what she used to have
And wishes that she could make up for all the mistakes
All the pointless fights that she caused
He never did anything wrong
But she couldn't see the good through the fear
He was everything to her
Her first true love
And she threw it away because she didn't listen to her heart
She listened to others around her
And was easily influenced
Into thinking that one couldn't find that kind of love
It wasn't suppose to exist
That there had to be flaws
Because fairy tales don't come true
And no one finds their prince charming
But he was the closest thing she has ever known
And probably the closest she'll ever get
He made her believe that there is such a thing as happy endings
And she wants a second chance to have hers
Another chance to actually live again
Without having to change for anyone
She can never express how sorry she is
And doesn't know if she can ever fix her mistakes
But she's willing to try anything
Just to have the one good thing she had
Back in her life
You know who you are
If you read this then look at it very carefully
And know that she means every word
Try to remember the good instead of the bad
Those are the memories worth keeping
Because those are the ones that were not influenced by anyone
They came from our 2 hearts acting as one
And nothing else
The bad memories were nothing but fear
And stupidity
I'm sorry with every inch of my being
The girl you once loved is still here
Just older, wiser, and stronger
I would never make the same mistakes again
Just remember....